The far-off interest of tears

I wish that I could reach back through time to comfort the shattered person I once was, to tell her that it really would be okay, she would survive -- even if she didn't want to -- and the kids would be fine, too. I remember being locked into a small box of misery, thoughts going in circles with no capacity to see a way out.

I'm still holding on to my previous life by hating my ex -- that much is clear to me -- but how to let go of that and keep my self-respect? I know that holding onto my hate for him keeps me locked in the past. I still don't see my way out -- I am afraid that if I let go of that hate, which gave me so much strength when I started to despair, I will be weak again. It's a paradox. I keep myself in a weakened position: holding onto the vanishing past, refusing to move on and live well, because I'm afraid of feeling disempowered and weakened when I let go of my anger. The anger made me strong once and I can't imagine another state of mind that would also feel strong, so I hold onto that anger. And yet it's holding onto it that keeps me from moving on and being truly strong. And so on -- a vicious circle.