The myth of closure

I have been watching episodes of "Clean House", "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares," and "How Clean is Your House?" constantly. They all offer a fantasy -- that all problems can be resolved in 60 minutes or less. All work the same way: we meet the people in need of rescue; the rescue begins; the rescue runs into problems; the problems are resolved; everyone is happy. Would that life were so simple.

I have finally bought a used treadmill -- that's at least a start down the road to happy resolution. But where is Gordon Ramsay when I need him? That man would whip me into shape posthaste.

I have been quite sick for two days, with a 102 deg fever, body aches, and terrible dizziness. I asked my ex to keep the boys an extra night. He said no, because he has plans: he's celebrating his birthday with 12 of his friends. When we were together, he never had 12 friends! Now he is having a big birthday bash.

This comes on the heels of a posh vacation for him and the boys. I felt abandoned, which I was. They all went off and had fun. I was stuck here alone. This is the kind of vacation that I always looked forward to taking as a family. Now, it will never happen. I am jealous of all the nice things he can give them that I can't afford.

The far-off interest of tears

I wish that I could reach back through time to comfort the shattered person I once was, to tell her that it really would be okay, she would survive -- even if she didn't want to -- and the kids would be fine, too. I remember being locked into a small box of misery, thoughts going in circles with no capacity to see a way out.

I'm still holding on to my previous life by hating my ex -- that much is clear to me -- but how to let go of that and keep my self-respect? I know that holding onto my hate for him keeps me locked in the past. I still don't see my way out -- I am afraid that if I let go of that hate, which gave me so much strength when I started to despair, I will be weak again. It's a paradox. I keep myself in a weakened position: holding onto the vanishing past, refusing to move on and live well, because I'm afraid of feeling disempowered and weakened when I let go of my anger. The anger made me strong once and I can't imagine another state of mind that would also feel strong, so I hold onto that anger. And yet it's holding onto it that keeps me from moving on and being truly strong. And so on -- a vicious circle.